PARENTS WHO CARE ABOUT THEIR KIDS

Kids will listen to the advice of strangers more often than they will listen to their own parents.  Especially if the parents stuck the kid with some crappy therapist or psychologist.

Cheryl wrote:
I saw you on the TODAY SHOW this morning and liked your approach.  I found your website and think your advice for my daughter might be on point.  As I write this, this is my perspective as her mom, so I realize it is once removed.  But this is causing so many problems in her life, I am seeking help outside of the therapist she has seen off and on.

 


She had her first relationship with an alpha male boy last year and he broke up with her the end of last school year.  He broke up saying they were too entangled and he needed space.  During the next few days, she did very well, grieved, and started to move along.  He saw that and talked with her and that is when it seemed, the real hook went in, and she has been trying to “work” something out with him since then.  They don’t date but they are in the same circle and see each other a lot.  This year they are trying to be friends, and, at times, I thought it was working to do that.  But now I am thinking it isn’t helping her out to see him but she does see him.  As her father and I see it, our daughter wants to keep a connection with this boy so badly, that she will do just about anything, no we don’t believe they have had sex all the way but have played around, but by anything I mean, compromise who she is just to be with him, to keep a connection by phone calls, etc., with him.  With this connection, she says she then feels OK, that he understands her better than any other friends.  So not talking with him, fighting with him, equals disaster.  And she is in a terrible mood until they get back to talking.

 


How this is further affecting her is it has pulled her energy down, she is in the middle of college decisions, he got in a school she wanted to get into and didn’t so she’s crying about that, she is smart, has had many offers from other colleges plus scholar and financial offers but just wants to get into this one school and we are now appealing, so nothing else seems to have her attention and focus unless it somehow involves him.  Not to paint a totally black picture she has kept her grades up enough to get honors.  She gets depressed, she sleeps quite a bit, when she could be out enjoying life as a free 18 year old, she is not going to dance classes-she is a dance major and needs to keep improving her skills, so her entanglement with this has caused the reverse.  We discussed this last night and she used many of the words the women in the video before your interview with Al used…begging for getting anything, needing to be with someone to feel connected, to feel happy, feeling good only with that person, etc..

 


HOW can we help her?  What can we do?  We are concerned about her battling this at a vulnerable time of leaving home. 

I answered:

Dear Mommy Dearest, kidding ;)
I wish I had had parents that cared about me the way you do about your daughter.  Ok, you know that she will take advice from strangers more often than she will you because, after all, you're the "parents".  That said, is there anyway you could get her to email me?
You tell her this: What she does now will affect her entire future.  However, the future to an 18 year old is 3 weeks. Tell her I do relationship advice for celebrities in Us Weekly and all sorts of other people. Tell her that I can help her 'change" any man. Which is true but I have to get her hooked first so that she'll listen to me and realize this guy is not what she needs anyway.  What I'll do is tell her to do certain things [no, I don't mean sexual in anyway] to get his attention. Once she sees he's a push over she'll be turned off and get back to focusing on the things that matter; school and the next cute boy. I want to explain to her how guys are and what her guy is REALLY thinking and saying by his actions. I'm NOT the guy that bashes men to get his point across, instead I explain that guys are the way we are and it's in understanding us--however counter intuitive to women--that you see the light. Tell her my advice is from the source and that I've done to her what this guy is doing and I can tell her how to figure him out.  Remember, don't force it on her...girls her age are as tough as nails. Just tell her I know what he's thinking ;) And, trust me, I do. I helped a brilliant girl at Dartmouth "beat" the star hockey player bad boy into buying her stuff from Tiffanys and wanting to introduce her to his parents. In the end she dumped him. Your daughter just wants what she can't have: it's romantic, dramatic, and tumultuous. We'll break her of that and turn her into a Angelina Joli...well, maybe not with all the foreign adoption problems.
Let me know.

Sex After Marriage fades

SEX MARRIAGE AND CHEATING...THEY HAVE VERY LITTLE IN COMMON.

Lynn asked:
 Dear Steve,

 I have been married for 18 years and have 2 children.  My marriage has gone south.  It hasn't been good for many years, but I hang in for my children and pressure from my very controlling  family.  So divorce isn't in the future.  I am 41 but look 30 (not bragging...just the truth. )  My husband and I have little in common, sleep in separate rooms, only go out for family functions.  My husband is much older and has lost interest in sex.  We tried therapy but it didn't bring us closer, we just learned how to be more civil around each other.  How can I continue to live this lie.. I am always approached by younger men when I'm out with friends, it's all quite new and exciting.  I'm having a hard time being consumed by the thought of these men.  I'm at a sexual peak in my life and quite frankly I can't take it anymore!  I'm tired of having my head played with by the vague process of therapy, I want real advice.  Men are very confusing to me, and there seems to be a new breed of players out there that were not around when I was young.  My problem was I married the first guy I was intimate with and got sucked in at an early age and family pressure.  Tell me what you think?  Thank you,


 I answered:
To the point; You need to go have sex. you deserve it. You need to Live.  You've been a great mom and a great wife. Now, take care of your self. Simple right? Maybe.  It depends on how you choose to satisfy your needs.  Men and women are very different now...trust me, i'm single ;) So keep that in mind.  I'll explain the ins and outs if you need to hear it later.  In a nut shell? think people have gotten more selfish. Moving on.
  Men aren't confusing.  You just keep trying to understand them by female standards. Stop. Think of us like creatures you would watch on the Discovery Channel.  Don't hate us or judge us, just observe us like a scientist. If you are doing this correctly you will probably start to laugh...hard.  We are so simple.
Ok, this is what you need to do.  I understand that "mafia loyalty" and blind faith to the family stuff.
The good news? You're civil with your husband and I imagine with your children as well...so all is quiet on the Western Front.
Now, start flirting. Start talking to guys and little by little take it to the next level.  ***NOTE: DO NOT TELL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS YOUR PLAN. DON'T TELL ANYONE. AND DELETE THIS EMAIL WHEN YOU'RE DONE READING IT!! I'm serious. This secrecy will ad to the excitement anyway so it's win win for you ;). Your best bet is to find a guy you can trust...Ha ha ha...Easier said than done. Or, if your town is too small for that then go on a trip somewhere. My point is that your first extra marital encounter has to be very very covert.
For the record, I don't encourage infidelity [which is why i've never been married] but your situation IS NOT CHEATING. you are taking care of number one. From the sounds of it, you've taken care of yourself and guys still "want" you...good going!. You've done everything right now join the living again.
Here's your list:
1. Don't talk about it
2. Do it
3. Be very private and cover all your bases so no one finds out.
4. Don't be guilty...you're a great woman!
5. This is your life, it's happening right now, even as you read this it's passing you so grab it by the balls and hang on.


Is Looking at Porno cheating?

Is Looking at Porno and going to Strip Clubs Cheating? Sex in the City comes in all forms for men.

Beth wrote:
I CAN HANDLE HIM LOOKING AT MAGAZINES ONCE IN A WHILE, BUT I BELIEVE THAT MASTERBATING TO A PICTURE IS THE SAME AS F_ _ _ _ _ _ THEM. HE ALSO GOES TO STRIP CLUBS WITH HTE GUYS. ALL THIS TO ME IS ADULTERY BUT HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND AND NO MATTER HOW I FEEL HE WILL NOT GIVE IT UP. SHOULD HE OR AM I JUST CRAZY?

I replied:

Beth, no, masturbating to a picture is not cheating! nor is going to a strip club. All men look at porn to some degree or another for all sorts of reasons.  The biggest reason is that men separate sex and love in our brains so the two rarely meet. Meaning; I can fantasize about a stripper or a naked girl in a mag and never have any less love for my significant other.  That is the truth and it's just the way it is.  You don't want to set up a situation where he has to sneak around! That opens up a can of worms! We men are genetically programmed to be attracted to more than one woman- not that we should consummate it. That being said, strip bars are depressing anyway but if he goes two times a year that's not a big deal. What worries me more is how you know he masturbates to a porn magazine? did he tell you or did you catch him?   But to answer you questions again NO, it's not cheating. As a matter of fact most guys are lazy and so they do this instead of going out and trying to fulfill the fantasy. Imagine if we went after every girl we thought about.
In conclusion:
If you haven't let yourself go, aren't nagging him, you're being a great girlfriend, and you've told him [point blank] to be sensitive to you and he still hasn't changed then dump him. it will be hard but do it.

CBA0202

ABC 20/20 Airs Friday NIGHT

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/story?id=5380175&page=1