Ask Steve Santagati

Positive

I hear a lot of "what can I do to win him back?", "How do I keep my husband/boyfriend from cheating?", and "How do a meet a great guy?"  I understand your interest in these topics but in order to solve these issues you have to change your mentality from passive to pro-active.  Meaning, you have to move forward with you.

In other words, what are you doing for yourself that would warrant a mans return, what are you doing for yourself that would make you so great no man would think of straying, and what are you doing for yourself that would make you a "man magnet". The difference here is attitude, action, and outlook. When you have your act together [and we all need help with this] you love yourself and walk through life with a confident seductive presence that is a force to be reckoned with.  The three basics are: 1. your physical appearance. 2. your hobbies and interests and 3. Your ability to be actively social to the best of your ability.  When you pay vigilant attention to these three, very basic principals, everything in your life is affected in a positive way. You go from being the person that is needy to the person who looks at the opposite sex as "are they deserving".  You go from being on the defense to being on the offense. It's empowering.  

Think about the first three questions I posed - at the beginning of this blog; If you have the three basics down you wouldn't worry about "winning him back" because he should be so lucky to have you and you would possess the confidence to know, that if he doesn't come running, you can easily find another man/woman.  Secondly,some men are cheaters no matter how great of a woman you are. If you made the mistake of picking one of these guys don't be too hard on yourself, just make a more careful selection next time around.  Albeit, a woman/man who is on top of their "three basics" will, most likely, discover people will feel fulfilled with them and be less likely to stray.  And thirdly, meeting someone, as I've stated before, has everything to do with being an active part of society, the more people you interact with, the more social you are, the better the chance of meeting someone you actually like.

So, do your homework on you.  Try to watch your words and form sentences and thoughts in the positive rather than in the passive.  Life takes effort and those who show initiative are rewarded.

Patience

For those of us [and I include myself in this statement] who are prone to pushing through life with a goal oriented mentality, pay close attention. Patience is doing something.  Patience is another form of quiet weaponry, waiting for just the right time to make a move and garnering optimum results. Jump to early and you ruin an otherwise fruitful situation. Let me explain.  Whether you just started dating someone or are trying to sift through a misunderstanding between yourself and a long time boyfriend, it's best to keep an open mind, breath and be patient. Being patient gives you a bird's eye view to clearly see what is going on before you decide how to handle it.  I recently read a chapter in a book on how to deal with frustration and the power of patience.  I'm not a big fan of most "self help" books but  I need to remind myself of virtuous patience on a daily basis because I'm tested all the time, whether I happen to be waiting in traffic or behind the lady in the grocery store who has decided to pull out her check book to pay for a pack of gum.  What works for me is to take a moment, inhale, and DECIDE to use patience as my reaction instead of frustration. The magic lies in the results. Each time I've been patient things "magically" begin to move faster or some amazing situation presents itself. I'm NOT kidding.  This really works.

So, what does this have to do with love and relationships? Everything. We all tend to create ideas of what we think is happening with our love interest and begin to respond as if that IDEA was in fact reality. Many times we complicate the situation and create drama because we were wrong about what was going on.  This is not to say you should become complacent or not make a definite move at some point, I'm suggesting you trust your instinct, CHOOSE patience, and RESPOND accordingly.  I've seen, in matters of the heart, people throw the baby out with the bath water one to many times because they reacted with a knee jerk.  Today's lesson is take every opportunity to practice patience.  Be silently but actively aware when frustration begins to rear it's ugly head, take a beat, and practice your patient skills.  I promise it will help in all areas of your life.

Age

It's my birthday today and though I'm not really "into" birthdays it at least provides good fodder for a blog.

So the two things I want to cover here are what is a good age range between a man and a woman and how to deal with getting older.

1. There are no rules on how old he/she should be or how big the age gap... assuming both people have a similar agenda, matching ethics and are both realistic. That's a tall order to fill but all sorts of age gaps do and can work. It has mostly to do with the individuals mentality...a.k.a. are they both mature. Keep in mind that with certain age groups a certain "mentality" often prevails. Be on the look out for this.  I don't want to tell you too much here, I want you to figure it out on your own. We're obsessed with age in America but that doesn't mean you have to be, you can choose to look at it any way you like.

2. There is no doubt getting older sucks unless, of course, you're turning 21 and can finally go into bars. I watch people dig in their heels and make all sorts of attempts to stop or reverse the aging process. They struggle and stress with each line in their face. Oddly enough, the people who take care of themselves, keep laughing and acting crazy are the ones who look young the longest.  Moreover, I don't find the Joan Rivers plastic surgery funny at all, I find it scary.  I find it pathetic. Madonna and her over developed biceps are equally alarming. Look, I know it's hard to look at your driver's license and stare at the date but everyone gets old. Everyone. Look at the Olson twins, they aren't so cute any more LOL . You get my point. So next time you're feeling old, look at a baby, look at a teenager, and look at a 20 something and remember, we're all in this together, they'll be old before they know it. 

*It's quiet and the fking sun finally came out while I was writing this.

Where is?

Your answer may not be blowing in the wind but you should still be able to catch the drift.  When someone likes you, loves you, adores you, it's not words you should be paying attention to, it's ACTION AND ONLY ACTION.  This is very difficult at times because we all want to be loved and understood so badly. Think about it, when you love and adore someone you show them in what you DO for them. There should be no doubt in their mind you care. Yes, hearing "I love you" is nice, it feels good, but the concrete in any relationship, is what the other person physically does for you. Do they make time for you, regardless of how "busy" their life is? Do they cook for you? Do they buy you little things from time to time that show they're thinking of you? If they're not, If they are blaming kids, work, or social commitments then chances are they don't like you that much. As a matter of fact, I would say you can gage a person's level of love by how they show you, so pay attention.

    There are times when, both men and women, are "needy" for a bit more attention -than normal- so keep that in mind and keep it in check if you're the one being needy. Be a bit more attentive if she/he is feeling down or needs a little more reassurance and do NOT take it as weakness...unless it's an every day thing...LOL

Look, the take home news here is that NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT ASK: "WHERE IS THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING? You should never have to ask that question out loud.. Never. Sadly, you can only trust the other persons ACTIONS. There in lies your true answer, the only answer in the world that matters. Accept No excuses. I always say; "Clinton was supposed to be running the country and he found time to fool around with Monica." So, if your girl is "vacant" or your man is just not pulling through, it may be time to look to greener pastures.

*I was listening to Dire Straights while writing this.

Trick his treat all year

We're all clueless at times but what strikes me as odd is what I observed last night, and every Halloween for that matter, women unapologetically being themselves, letting loose and getting tons of attention from guys. The odd part is that very few people take note of this phenomenon and say:"hmmm, this whole naughty girl thing works, how can I fit this in all year?" The women who fit it in (so to speak) are  UPPING their chances of meeting someone that's a good match just by increasing the number of men that notice them.  Anyway, I'm tired, I got in at 3:30am and the stupid "turn your cock back" thing bothers me. So, the way women dress on Halloween and the reaction they get from men should be proof enough to keep that mentality all the year long.

1. There are only two times a year when a girl can dress that slutty and not be ridiculed by her peers, Halloween and New Years. However, girls do want to have fun and be "harmlessly dangerous" from time to time. The take home point?  WGF what other women think. 

2. Success is measured by results and the knowledge gained in the process not by "woulda coulda shouldas." So if you meet a great guy or girl because you're keeping a twinkle in your eye, some attitude in your step, and dressing the part all year long, so be it. Take no prisoners. 

*I had no music on while writing this

Solitary Confinement

Are you sitting there, in your house, looking around your living room, your bedroom, your kitchen (do the dishes btw), or watching a stupid show on television wondering, "wtf, why can't I meet anyone?"  The reason is simple, "proximity". You have to be in proximity to the man or woman you want to meet, proximity to other people. Long distance relationships don't work because of the LACK of proximity to your loved one.  Meeting someone works by the same rules of gravity, you have to be in and around people in order to meet someone. Well, duh, you might conclude, "how stupid is that STeve, everyone knows you have to BE around people in order to meet them."  YOu would be surprised how many people can't figure that out. Moreover, "being around people" does not count if you're on FB, a dating web site, or waiting for someone to break down your front door, You have to get the fk out there and get involved in life.  How this helps:

1. you're much more interesting to guys/girls because you actually have interests and a life

2. you're selection of people goes up proportionally

3. you stop sending me emails....LOL , I'm kidding, I love your emails.

4. you will, if you do a sport or dancing or something like that, get skinny and healthier.

Of course I write this blog after staying in last night, putting my Mt bike together, and drinking Budweiser alone.LOL 

I was listening to Black Sabbath "Sold our Souls to Rock-n-Roll" while writing this blog.