Ask Steve Santagati

Amiable

Our initial reaction to any sort of rejection is hurt, it's human nature.  The three basic stages of rejection are anger, thoughts of revenge [especially for the Scorpios reading this ], and then sadness.  However there's a fourth stage, it's called being Amiable. Friendly to yourself and to them.

Why the hell would you want to be friendly to the person that broke your heart or shut you down? Because it's NOT for them, it's for you.  Holding animosity in your heart has negative ramifications; health issues, it negatively affects, holistically, other areas of your life, and stagnates your emotional progress.  

Albeit, I'm not suggesting you send them a teddy bear and flowers or help them match socks.  I also am not so naive to think being amiable, in the face of remorse, is an easily accomplished task.  However, as soon as you can wrap your mind around a "rejection is protection" attitude you can begin to move on and start over.  Whether it was a new love or long term relationship that unraveled, the sooner you can see the comedy in what happened or, at best, "the lighter side", the sooner you can begin to get back to the old you.  You don't need to show them that they are forgiven, you don't need to be outwardly friendly to them, but in your heart you need to find a neutral ground where they no longer affect you.  You most likely will not get any sort of closure from them so the onus will be on you to find peace within yourself.

Most, but not all, of rejection is a blow to our ego.  Never underestimate how powerful a bruised ego will affect your outlook!  It's usually a combination of things that make us feel badly after a "shut down" and you may want to pick away at the feelings you're having so that you can put each one to rest one at a time.

Situations where you'll need this tactic:

1. You ask out a girl and she says no

2. You're boyfriend / girlfriend breaks up with you.

3. A mutual break up

4. You begin dating someone, everything seems to be moving ahead, and abruptly ends.

If the relationship, long or short, had any sort of depth, you can try to talk to the person just to get stuff off your chest. You should let at least a week go by before you attempt this.  However, if you're in a "fighting mood" or if you're looking for them to say the things you want to hear, don't make that call.  Also, don't do it via text, email, or in person.  This is a phone call only situation. 

A friendly reminder that there is another way to deal with rejection if you can find the strength and insight. 

Remember

Find strength in remembering the things you didn't like, not the things you WISH he / she had given you while you were together.

    It's a strange phenomenon  that when we break up with someone we tend to think of all the love, the great times, and the sex. We romanticize the time we shared rather than stick to our guns and know that the reason(s) we're not together are concrete.  We, as human beings, often "block out" the reason(s) the relationship fell apart, in the first place, but the strength in moving on is found in going over a clear mental list in how they let you down.  I'm not suggesting you dwell on the negative and not make a concerted effort to move forward, I'm suggesting you find strength in remembering the reality of the situation, a reality that lead to love's demise.

    If it was your fault the relationship ended, and you know who you are, then now is the time to pull out the shin pads because you'll be kicking yourself quite hard if you let a good one go.  True love is rare.  An honest connection and loyal relationship is something to be revered and if you were careless with it then shame on you.

Was he / she rude?  Did they not appreciate you?  Were they inconsiderate? Did they make promises they had no intention of keeping?  Was the balance out of whack in terms of what you did for them versus what they did for you? 

The subjects I listed above are the things you should focus on, not the kissing, the bike rides, and the romantic moments.  Thinking about the thread of romance you had will only cloud the issue, the fact that they didn't earn a permanent place in your heart is what gives you strength.

Should You Take them back?

The short answer is NO.  However, it's not always that easy if you've dedicated a lot of time, energy, and patience.  I think most of us want a "return on investment."  Moreover,  It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize they don't love you like they claimed. Love is action folks, always remember that. 

I get loads of emails from people wondering if there is a way to "win him back?", "should I take him back?", etc.  That's because people who just broke up with someone tend to vacillate between moving forward and pining away.  

Here's how to handle that:

If you've been an angel in the relationship and it's demise is all their fault then put a list together of things they must agree to. A list of conditions.  Make the list solid and complete and make sure there is a clause that explains what will happen if they fail you again.  I recommend this because most long term relationships don't have just one break up, people break up and then go back out several times before the "big one". 

If your behavior contributed to the break up then you have to come clean and include how you will change if you want to give it another try.

Be prepared, most people will not agree to your list, even if it's reasonable. The point here is that you offered a genuine alternative to parting ways and you will clearly see the person for who they truly are, selfish. 

If, by some stroke of luck, they agree to your terms, make them carry out the list immediately so you don't waste any time.

Remember, love is action, only action.  Focus on the things that let you down to get through this rough patch in your life.

* New Bad Boys / Bad Girls Merchandise will be available soon! Stay strong

xo

s

Careless

Great men aren't fragile China plates that require you handle them with "kid gloves". However, they're not inanimate objects that deal well with "man handling" either, we're not inert, we can and will move away from you.  I think people forget, sometimes, that relationships are to be handled with care [right side up] because, if you don't, they can break / break up. Sadly,  this usually comes as a surprise to the person who thought you would "just deal with it".  You all know how I love analogies, so think of a relationship like a fragile package you plan to send around the world; you better pack it correctly if you want the contents to be intact over a long journey.

    There are people [both men and women] that are the bad kind of selfish [there is a good kind of selfish as I've explained in a previous blog].  "Bad selfish" / careless people get so consumed in what they're feeling and what's important to them that they neglect to notice how their selfish behavior is eating away at the underpinnings of the very foundation of their relationship until it's too late. If you're in a relationship right now and you're giving it your all and are not getting equal respect and attention, then get out of it today.  Yes, there are bumps in the road of every relationship and we should all stick it out because love and relationship are paramount to human happiness. However,  don't forget my "3 strikes you're out" rule; give your love the benefit of the doubt, let them fk up three times, and then, if they don't come to you with an earnest plan to thwart a repeat of the situation, then dump them on the spot.  If you don't you will kick yourself a month down the road when they just up and do it again.  Remember, real love only comes in a person's actions, not their words. If you aren't seeing results, they don't love you like they should.

Carelessness Defined:

    When a person is careless with your feelings it means;  they will act in such a way that has a total disregard for how you will receive their actions.  They don't care about the affect their actions have on you.  They are most often spoiled, selfish, and lack basic consideration. Moreover, they are blind to how much they owe you for your careful attention to their feelings.  We all exhibit careless behavior from time to time but this blog is about the people who continue to act this way.  Albeit, careless partners may be going through a rough time, have had a bad day, or are suffering in some other way.  Not an excuse, we're adults and we have to suck it up and deal with it. It's in times of trouble or stress that careless people forget they're in a relationship but it's their responsibility to make sure their partner is in the loop of communication.  

    It may seem as though your loved one has a "split personality" when it comes to carelessness, one day they are loving and kind and the next they're selfish and inconsiderate.  Suffice to say, this inconsistency will snap your attention and you may even enjoy the drama but it's not healthy.  Emotional roller coaster rides must come to an end before you throw up.

I know that in my own personal life, I have an issue with trying to "save women", it's how I got into the business in the first place.  I also know that many women have this same sort of "rescue them" mentality.  Don't try to save someone at the expense of your own well being.

Folks, the truth is, if you've tried to help someone help themselves and they are so afraid or weak that they can't make the necessary changes, then it's time to let go  before you sink with them.  The irony of all this is that these very people, who you've given so much of yourself to,  are sometimes the most careless and selfish towards the very people who have loved them the most.

Food for thought

Meet the Focker

Meeting someone - you like - can be a difficult thing to accomplish.  Or is it just that our attitude towards meeting someone is shooting us in the foot?

Things to do:

1. You have to break your routine and start doing things and going places you haven't been before.  There is no substitute for this, especially for you ladies who email me and say you get lots of dates but with all the wrong guys.  CHANGE THE STABLE AND YOU'LL FIND THE STUD.

2. Make sure you are dressing with a focus on using "your type" to it's full bad girl advantage.  All women are a type [as far as men are concerned] and if you want a "man" then make it your concern.  Find out what your type is and have fun with it.

3. Find that social bone in your body and start talking to everyone you come in contact with [assuming they are not sitting behind the wheel of an ice cream truck with their pants down].

*To find your "social bone",  press gently five inches above your vagina, that's where it's located. Once stimulated the socializing will flow freely.  A man's "social bone" is located where? 

Things NOT to do:

1. Do NOT think that any on line dating site is your free ticket to romance.  Most are pathetic wastes of time so please don't rely on any false sense of security.

2. Don't think you'll attract a man with a pair of expensive shoes and a nice car, we could care less. It's all about T & A.  You want to attract bees, cover yourself in honey. Simple enough.

3. Do not stay in every night during the week.  The week days are THE best time to meet people. Restaurants, bowling alleys, and bars are much more relaxed during the week and it's far easier to meet someone.

4. Do not give a flying fk if you are rejected.  It happens to the best of us.  There are over 300 million people in America, not including the 100 million illegals.  That means you have a big selection of potential mates.

How to make contact:

1. Eye contact is important. A slightly held gaze [not a stare!] should prompt any man worth dating to come over and talk to you.

A. Do the unthinkable and say hello

B. Grab his ass and say, "giddy up".

2. Once he approaches make sure you give his horse some sugar and complement his shining armor.

Meaning, say something complimentary to Prince Charming.

3. Do NOT ask for his number nor offer yours.  If the dim wit is to shy to ask for yours then simply prompt him by saying: "you're [ fun or what ever ] , I'd like to see you again some time."

Therapist, relationship experts, and match makers complicate the most simple process in the world.  If you want to meet someone then go and meet someone, don't over think it.  If two dogs, complete strangers, can walk up and sniff each others bums then you can certainly smile at a guy before he sniffs yours. LOL LOL 

I'm kidding.

The point is that dogs don't even think about it, they live in the moment.  Live in the moment and meet someone today.

Sex and the Shitty

Don't go see the new Sex and the City movie. 

When I see the ads for this movie [ currently running on TV], I want to throw up. There is a very long list as to why I can't watch this trash and an even longer list as to why you shouldn't pay $$ to go see it. 

For starters, it's completely derogatory towards women, it makes women look vapid and stupid.  The characters depicted in this film are not sexy empowered women, they're idiots.  Yes, those types exist, but you don't want to be one of them.   Moreover,  If you only new what real guys thought about the women in that movie you would stay clear of any and all affiliation with those types.

Those female characters aren't sexy, they aren't desirable, and there is nothing redeeming about their exploits.  Albeit, I understand that many women considered the HBO series and first movie a type of "female junk food", but look what bad food does to you, it makes you "un-pretty".  

I'll elucidate this for you.  The images you surround yourself with, the shows you watch, and the company you keep all affects the way you approach the world.  If you watch stupid movies like "Sex and the City" or tv shows like "The House Wives of NYC" you'll eventually think that type of thinking is "ok".  So true is it with romantic comedies. This type of entertainment reinforces the delusion that a perfect life looks a certain way and it creates false and unrealistic expectations that no man will or wants to live up to.  IF YOU COULD SHUT OFF THAT BUTTON INSIDE YOUR HEAD THAT SAYS, "WHAT IF" OR THE OTHER BUTTON THAT SCREAMS, "THIS IS HOW I WANT MY LIFE TO BE", then watching this stuff would be harmless-ish. But you can't.  Most women want, so desperately, to believe that this type of life is obtainable / desirable for the average girl. It's not and the types of female characters in Sex and the City should be banished from you goal list, not embraced.

How would you feel if men thought girls should all look and act like Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie action heros?  You would never get a date if those idea were streaming in our heads.  Yes, men fantasize about these women but they clearly know they will never get a girl of this stature.  Most healthy male adults realize these chicas are just characters in movies and not real life potential suitors.  The entire entertainment industry is focused on selling to women, playing into your weaknesses and "weakness" is exactly what it is.  My goal is to make you strong, sexy, empowered, and dangerous individuals.  

It's time women stopped buying into this crap. Do you realize the writers and producers of this garbage are pandering to your weakness to sell you a product?  It's no different than selling you a drug that fills you up fast and brings you down hard, it will take it's toll on your psyche and affect your mentality.

I don't know why I even bothered writing this, many of you won't listen to me.  Not all of you are willing to take the effort to be strong empowered women.  However, for those of you who do, please boycott movies of this type, it's keeping your entire species held down.

Sex and the Shitty

Don't go see the new Sex and the City movie. 

When I see the ads for this movie [ currently running on TV], I want to throw up. There is a very long list as to why I can't watch this trash and an even longer list as to why you shouldn't pay $$ to go see it. 

For starters, it's completely derogatory towards women, it makes women look vapid and stupid.  The characters depicted in this film are not sexy empowered women, they're idiots.  Yes, those types exist, but you don't want to be one of them.   Moreover,  If you only new what real guys thought about the women in that movie you would stay clear of any and all affiliation with those types.

Those female characters aren't sexy, they aren't desirable, and there is nothing redeeming about their exploits.  Albeit, I understand that many women considered the HBO series and first movie a type of "female junk food", but look what bad food does to you, it makes you "un-pretty".  

I'll elucidate this for you.  The images you surround yourself with, the shows you watch, and the company you keep all affects the way you approach the world.  If you watch stupid movies like "Sex and the City" or tv shows like "The House Wives of NYC" you'll eventually think that type of thinking is "ok".  So true is it with romantic comedies. This type of entertainment reinforces the delusion that a perfect life looks a certain way and it creates false and unrealistic expectations that no man will or wants to live up to.  IF YOU COULD SHUT OFF THAT BUTTON INSIDE YOUR HEAD THAT SAYS, "WHAT IF" OR THE OTHER BUTTON THAT SCREAMS, "THIS IS HOW I WANT MY LIFE TO BE", then watching this stuff would be harmless-ish. But you can't.  Most women want, so desperately, to believe that this type of life is obtainable / desirable for the average girl. It's not and the types of female characters in Sex and the City should be banished from you goal list, not embraced.

How would you feel if men thought girls should all look and act like Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie action heros?  You would never get a date if those idea were streaming in our heads.  Yes, men fantasize about these women but they clearly know they will never get a girl of this stature.  Most healthy male adults realize these chicas are just characters in movies and not real life potential suitors.  The entire entertainment industry is focused on selling to women, playing into your weaknesses and "weakness" is exactly what it is.  My goal is to make you strong, sexy, empowered, and dangerous individuals.  

It's time women stopped buying into this crap. Do you realize the writers and producers of this garbage are pandering to your weakness to sell you a product?  It's no different than selling you a drug that fills you up fast and brings you down hard, it will take it's toll on your psyche and affect your mentality.

I don't know why I even bothered writing this, many of you won't listen to me.  Not all of you are willing to take the effort to be strong empowered women.  However, for those of you who do, please boycott movies of this type, it's keeping your entire species held down.

Trust

    Why is it that as soon as someone says, "trust me", that we immediately don't?  Simple, some people are untrustworthy scum that are as shallow as parking lot puddles. Combined with all the lies and deceit we see on tv and amongst our friends, we've become an un-trusting bunch of bananas.  Here in lies the dilemma, we want to trust our loved one and we need it if the relationship will survive. 

    Trust and good sex are two of the under pinnings of any decent relationship yet both are so hard to come by [pun intended].  The good news? I don't have any. See you later and thanks for reading this. Trust me, you don't need to know how to build trust or have good sex...Relax, I'm joking.  I'll tell you but you better buy a t shirt when the new line comes out, or else ;-).

Think of trust like giving or receiving a gift.  Let's say you just met someone, you wouldn't go out and buy them a Rolex and, like wise, most of you wouldn't feel comfortable accepting such a lavish present [except you opportunistic brats], god bless you gold diggers LOL.  I digress.  

I think most of us would agree that if someone bought us a new car that it would truly be a wonderful gift. However, if they ran us over with that car upon delivery it would be a most unpleasant experience.  So true is it with Trust.  Trust is to be dolled out slowly and accepted at a similar pace.  

With men, trust mostly lies in the following categories:

1. He has to gain your trust that he won't cheat on you [for that matter, he has to trust himself that he won't be tempted to stray]

2. He won't show the naked pictures and or video the two of you made to his friends or post it on "look what I just did.com" 

3. He has to build a trust that what he says is what he means and that he can be a reliable responsible adult.

With Women, the trust issues are the same as the 3 examples I used above [because MEN want the same thing as you in this arena ]  but women have several other chores:

1. Women need to learn to trust a man slowly and not badger him about "what they think he's up to", look in his phone, or crack the code on his email accounts.

2. Women need to not get so caught up in the romance that they trust too quickly and therefore expose themselves to hurt.

3. Women need to be patient and realize that trust comes over time, a year or more for unbridled trust.

The key here is to find a balance, a place where you can be vulnerable enough to allow a great relationship to continue to grow yet not be a stupid idiot and move to the corner of "Naive ave and "What a sucker lane".  

Here are some tips:

1. Listen to what he says but don't take it to heart [no matter how much you want to believe him], let his actions show you he's trust worthy, not his words.

2. Don't go snooping around on Face book or in his phone and build mental fantasies about all the trouble he's getting into. Face book photos and comments are mostly taken out of context and can make you paranoid.

3. Slowly test him. This is a Mafia technique. Give him bits of information, a slightly naughty picture, or a personal truth you don't want people to know and then just wait a month or so and see if it gets out.

4. Realize who your dealing with. How mature is this guy?  How old is he? You can't get blood from a stone and you can't get trust from someone who can't even trust themselves.

Think about it.

* The new Bad Boys / Bad Girls Finish First  tees will be available soon so join the elite group of men and women who are unapologetically naughty!

Department of the Exterior

Unless you're dating a guy in a major city, you will be called upon to spend some amount of time OUTDOORS! Most men have at least one hobby that they can't do in the living room so if you want to date men then your attitude towards nature better be sprite. Moreover, you'll be required, if not encouraged, to do something with him, something he loves doing. This will sometimes involve a palatable disregard for your personal comfort.  Meaning, the great outdoors has bugs, rain, uncontrolled temperatures, and you may even do the unthinkable, break a sweat.

    In stark contrast,do you think we like going to the mall? Do you think we like sitting on the side lines while you contemplate a decision between "mystic charcoal" or  "autumn evening" eye shadow? Here, let me answer that for you; "NO, we don't." We go because it makes you happy to have us along. A good man knows he should go to shopping with you - occasionally - and keep a smile on his face and make the best of it, Not attend begrudgingly! Note:The only store we don't mind going to is a lingerie franchise.  This is,of course, because we get to check out girls shopping and it's a cornucopia of naughty little girly things, we feel like voyeurs.  I'm not saying couples should be together 24/7 and that you shouldn't do things alone but time is precious these days and we need to actively do things together. 

The willingness of my girl leave the nest affects my relationship greatly.  I happen to be very outdoor oriented, I fish, surf, kite board, mountain bike, and anything else that gets me outside.  I need to be under the sky and not fluorescent lights as often as possible.  I make this known [even if it's not painfully evident when they show up at my house and see all the shit laying around] at the very beginning of any new relationship.   The girl usually responds with: "Oh Steve, I love the outdoors, blah blah blah."  Then, a month or so into the relationship, she is called to duty and must actually "go outside", leaving the comfort of her home and risking a chip in her pedicure, or worse, no cell phone coverage.  The trouble usually begins with her complaining about the cold, the heat, the wet grass, the bugs, or anything you won't find in Macy's. 

The man's job is to do his best to patiently orient you to his hobby, make sure you have on the right clothes, and keep you from getting hurt.  

The woman's job is to keep an open mind and find the fun in it.  The female's job also extends to the same sort of behavior when taking a man shopping; she must stick to a schedule [meaning have a shopping exit strategy], make it fun for him, and keep him from getting hurt on the escalator ;-) 

If a guy takes a girl outside and she has a sour puss or complains the entire time the hour glass gets turned over and her days are numbered. Plain and simple.  It's a sign she's high maintenance and a smart boy knows her attitude will rear it's ugly head in other areas of the relationship before long, namely in bed!  He'll start to hear things like, "I don't want to get dirty", " I just washed my hair", LOL . 

The odd thing is that I have dated girls who complain about going outside and found ways to seduce them into enjoying nature.  I do my manly duties - as listed under "the man's job" - and they end up having a great time.  With me, it's usually not a negotiation, you either come with me or you're dead. LOL LOL.  Moreover, I will never try to teach my girlfriend a new sport [never give your partner lessons, have a professional do that, you need a buffer zone].

Finally, if you're with a man that loves being outside - and your involvement is important to him - then the onus is on you to come up with fun activities too.  Don't always put the burden on us to entertain you, it's a drag. I would closely weigh all the things he does for you [how often he goes out of his way for you] on a weekly basis and find it in your heart to do the right thing and get the fk outside ;-) You owe it to him and you owe it to yourself.